Rae's Ramblings: Ritual

So I have this ritual. Every year, the night before one of my children's birthdays, I end up tucking them into bed while I sob. This was something that my mom used to do. This was something that I used to think my mom was crazy for.

There is just something so emotional about tucking your child in for bed at one age and them awaking the next morning a year older. Last night I sobbed while I tucked Zoe into bed. Eight-years-old seems so old. Older then seven or any other year prior. Tucking her into bed at seven-years-old, knowing that she would wake up eight-years-old, was about all I could handle at 11:00 p.m. last night.

As a child this ritual always seems so ridiculously crazy to me. I would roll my eyes at my mom every year and tell her I would be the exact same Rachel the next morning when I awoke a year older. Now that I am a mom myself, I totally get it. Yes, as my children grow they are the same kid,but they change and learn so much in 365 days. In 365 days they just get that much more independent. In 365 days they need you less than they did 365 days prior. And although this is an amazing thing, it is also a bit heartbreaking.

Last night as I kissed Zoe and said goodnight to my seven-year-old I cried because I reflected back on the night before she was born, the night before I became "mom". Whoa. I had no idea what life had in store for me. I had no idea how amazing being a parent could be. I reflected on bringing my baby Zoe home for the hospital, how we had to wait over two weeks to bring our baby home. I reflected on what a miracle she is. I thought about my abundance of love for her and how I hope as an adult she understands how much I love her.

After she wiped my eyes and told me she would always be my baby (yes, she really said that), I walked into my room for Paul to wipe my eyes. As he was comforting his emotional bride, this came flying out of his mouth, "she is halfway to driving a car." Yup, lost it all over again right there.

Last night was rough for this mama, but today was filled with joy. Presents, pancakes, a walk in the park, ice cream, cuddles, giggles, and wishes for her new year. After she blew out her candle she told us about her wishes. She wished for a good First Communion, thanked God for her family, thanked God that we have money so she could have a birthday,wished that my aunt Denise would remain cancer free, and her great-grandpa Fruth would get better. She amazes me every day.

Maybe someday she won't think her emotional mom is such a nut. Today I hugged my mom a little bit tighter. After all of these years, I get it now. Being a parent will bring you the biggest emotional highs and some crazy emotional growing pains. Thanks to my own mom for loving me so much...I will always be your baby.